Thoughts about Open Adoption
Friday, March 14th, 2008If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!
During the past fifteen years fully open adoptions have become more common. By fully open I mean an adoption where the birth mother has ongoing visits with the child. Proponents of fully open adoptions have pushed the idea of ongoing visits on those hoping to adopt and on birth parents. Their reasoning has been that adopted children will benefit from ongoing contact with their birth parents.
The thought of a fully open adoption can scare some people away from adopting. Birth mothers also have fears about ongoing contact. Has it ever been proven that ongoing contact with birth parents is in a child’s best interest?
Here are my thoughts. I will dare to speak out here at the risk of being judged by some adoption professionals. I believe that adopted children benefit from having information; photos, health history and possibly letters from their birth parents. I also believe that if an older child asks to meet his/her birth parents that every effort should be made to arrange a meeting.
I do not think fully open adoption should be forced on a child who may have no desire for this type of ongoing contact? Many fully open adoptions are arranged and the terms agreed upon long before the child is born. These agreements do not take into consideration what the child really wants or needs. Ongoing visits may be very upsetting and confusing to an adopted child. What seven year old wants to have to explain to his/her friends why they have two moms at their birthday party? And how confusing is it to have to say goodbye over and over to a biological parent?
I know that my daughter would not like to have this type of contact. I talk openly with her about her adoption and I keep a file of her birth parents photos and health history for her. She has gone to the folder on a few occasions and I have pulled the folder out to show her certain things, but for the most part she prefers not to go there. This is not to say she never will, but so far she has had no desire. I have asked her if she would like to meet her birth mother and she is not ready.
When she begins to seek more information or ask for visits I will do everything in my power to meet her needs. Forcing openness on her will never be an option. Not because I fear it but because I think it will upset her.
I am a proponent of semi open adoptions, by that I mean getting to know the birth mother prior to the birth, exchanging photos, letters and updates so that when the child is old enough a meeting can be arranged. I do not believe that open adoption should ever be forced on a child by an arrangement that was made to accommodate the birth mother or the adopting family.
If you are considering adopting a child and you are not 100% comfortable with a fully open adoption arrangement, you should make that known to any adoption professional you are considering hiring. If you do enter into a fully open adoption the terms of the adoption should take into consideration the child involved. You may want to agree to visits for the first three years or until the child is old enough to understand and then reevaluate based on the needs and reaction of the child involved.
